Thursday, December 07, 2006

Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable - Part III

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Question 3 to the Women: What does the traditional notion of a man being head of household mean to women in general and to you in particular?

Fair Lady: The idea of a man being the head of a household appeals to me in particular and I assume women in general. It's the word "traditional" that raises the red flag. The "traditional" head of household carries a lot of negative connotations, stereotypes and whispers of "you're setting yourself up to be oppressed, squashed, silenced". In our take on tradition, I think we've moved away from the real meaning of what a "head of household" is. I believe the head of household is the person who evaluates his home, sees the strengths and weaknesses of all family members and maximizes the strengths to benefit the whole. I heard Rev. Freddy Haines once say that the word "husband" is derived from the band that was once placed around homes to keep them together, to keep it from falling apart. My husband will be the head of the household and whether society likes it or not, the role of the husband keeps the family together or allows it to fall apart.

Lovely M: The traditional notion of a man being head of a household was used many years ago when men were the sole financial providers and the women were expected to stay home and handle domestic duties. In today's society, both parties work to contribute financially and thus share the responsibilities of domestic duties. Marriages are a partnership where both parties are working as a team. However, there is still a thin line when it comes to the term "head of the household". As a woman, this is just "one" of the many roles that we play when dealing with men. Women know how to work with men and let them think, believe and even assume that we are just assisting in the decision-making. In today's society "head of household" is simply a term for tax purposes!

Bonita D: General, being able to handle all finances and having the final say in all matters, being submissive. Particular, understanding that God is the head and all decisions should be prayed upon. A woman has no problem submitting when she is in right place w/God. Also understanding that the truth should be head.

Tamika M:The traditional sense of male as head of the household means: First, he must lead his family to Christ. Next, he must lead his family towards growth and bettering their lives and community. If you're a Christian, the definition really shouldn't change. It's not just about dollars, it's about dollars and sense!

Donna: I do not consider this a traditional notion but a directive from God. It's biblical. I believe the failure in many marriages is the man's inability to embrace this and the woman's inability to allow him to embrace it. If you choose to marry a man who is unable to be the head, then you chose wrong and need to be a helper to him instead of a leader.

Kelly: He is the king of my home. He nurtures, takes care of, and provides for his family. He is the teacher and leader of the home. He shares the responsibility of taking care of the home understanding that his wife is not his footstool but his partner.

Question 3 to the Men: Does the perceived strength of black women intimidate men in light of our common history, struggles and experiences?

Keenan
: No, I don't think the perceived strength of black women intimidate men . . . and the operative word is MEN! Males that are intimidated by a successful woman really can't be called a "Man" in the truest sense of the word because a real man wants a real woman - that is, a woman who isn't looking for handouts. She's bringing something to the table. She's capable of handling her business, she has goals, standards and values. She can hold her man up just as much as he can hold her up.

Anonymous Light: The legendary strength of black women does intimidate some men, but it also spawns a false sense of independence in some black women - in that they feel they only need men for children, or that they don't have to negotiate and compromise because they are more than willing to raise children by themselves.

Christopher: Strong black women don't intimidate me!!! They irritate the hell out of me!!!! They have been taught that they don't need a Man. Too controlling for me!!!! A black woman not recognizing her position in the relationship or household is an issue for me. When a woman tries to be like a man in a relationship, that will never work. That would never work because a woman just can't be like a man. If I had a woman like that, she would be alone most of the time or she would have to share me with a submissive woman. I have to feel needed. If you don't need me, oh well, Goodbye!!!

Chris M: I think it has more to do with the man being "weak" or the woman being "overbearing" or ignorant to what a man - her man may need.

Satchel: I don’t think that it is the strength of black women that intimidates black men, given our collective struggles and experiences throughout history in this country. Many black men were raised in single family households by their mothers. Rather, I believe that it’s an improper understanding on either part of the unforeseen social, political, and economic forces working against the principles of collective work, family unity, social equality, and acceptance between black women and men. It is of no surprise to me that statistically black men have a far lesser chance of gaining a promotion within corporate America than our women, resulting in a significantly lesser compensation, resulting in a warped perception of the social roles within the family. Further, many men have become overly aggressive, dominant, and angered because of this perceived social role change, that it has created imbalances within the families, resulting in higher rates of divorce and separation. Competition has proven to be a healthy motivator, when properly channeled for the ultimate benefit of the family. However, this disparity triggered by certain social sciences has created within the black family a great rift, further contributing to the breakdown in communication between black men and women in the family.


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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

To Christopher...Your response made me giggle. I think you have a good point but your generalizations weaken your argument. Strong Black women irritate you?? C'mon Christopher...that slaps the face of too many grandmothers and mothers. How about yours??

It seems as if you are a victim of one too many mis-educated sisters. They must have made sure to let you know how strong they were and in return, you felt "controlled"....been bamboozled!!!! Now, unfortunately, you have fallen in-line with other mis-educated brothers and preaching to the choir of "anti-strong-Black women". Congratulations and enjoy that web of company. You all need each other to exist.

As you start to grow and re-educate yourself, you will find that strong women have no need to advertise and remind you who they are and what they hold. We are quite silent. We stand beside you without you even knowing the successes of our past and the potential of our future.

Actually, it is your God given nature to gravitate to a woman of strength. Alpha male to alpha female, begets the foundations of a dynasty. No prince ever confuses the chamber maid as a future queen and no princess ever looks for a suitor in the palace fool.

Now, to proudly proclaim your preference for submissive women shows your place in this social kingdom and an insight to your character. You are what you attract, so work on getting upgraded.

Anonymous said...

If only I had that warm specimen called Levoyd...

Anonymous said...

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