Friday, March 23, 2007

The Power of Effective Communications in Life, Love and Relationships

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There is a great deal of power to wield by each of us if we would continuously focus on being effective communicators. No matter what your passion, chosen profession or who you consider your friends, associates or colleagues, one of the tools each of us can have and use to maximize each situation, circumstance and opportunity is effective communication.

I will use myself as an example. When the stress of the challenges in my life pushes me to my perceived breaking point, I have developed the bad habit of focus, retreat and isolate. As I focus on eliminating the source of my stress, I tend to retreat and isolate myself from my family, friends, love interests and etc. In other words, I lose myself and my ability to effectively communicate during this period of time which usually does not exceeding a week or so.

During these periods of time, it is very difficult for me to return phone calls, to plan and hang out with friends, family and love interests. All that I basically do during these interludes is focus on eliminating the stressors. It is ironic because the saying, “Cat got your tongue”, seems to literally apply to me when I enter this coping mode. For many years, I have been able to get away with this approach to striking some form of balance in my life. However, recently I lost what could have been a long term friendship at a minimum with a wonderful person because of my withdrawal and isolation – coupled with the lack of effective communication.

I guess, as a means of explanation and not excuse, I am no different from many men who want to fix every problem that presents itself in short order. Sometimes I find myself offering unsolicited advice in an effort to fix a perceived problem that may not actually exist. Well (as I laugh at myself), in this correspondence I am simply suggesting that there has to be an effective way to
communicate to those people we care about and value in our lives, even when we are experiencing periods of stress, high anxiety and crisis.

As intelligent and cognizant individuals, we are normally equipped with the power to feel another person’s pain, loneliness, joy and etc. This empathy leads us to react in such a manner that either allows us to amplify and/or share in a person’s emotional state and respond accordingly. That being the case and mildly understated, it is important that we make the effort to effectively communicate with those who are most important to us, as life continues to throw its stressors at us. This is especially applicable to those special people in your life who have grown accustom to your calls, hearing your voice, being in your presence and being comforted by simply knowing that you’re there.

Why? Well, the lesson I recently learned is that while you are pulling away or as I like to describe my coping actions as focusing, retreating and isolating, others are reacting to your unusual and, arguably, selfish behavior. Sometimes family and long term friends can overlook the non-customary and unpredictable spurts of behavior, accept it as the norm, while allowing love to serve as a bridge that fills the gap when communication and physical presence are lacking (the enablers).

But, what happens when a relationship is new and beginning to take root and form? Can a relationship after a short time withstand a period of coping replete with silence, absenteeism, and seemingly a lack of empathy? My initial response to this question is that each relationship is different and as a result may produce different outcomes. However, in my situation described above, I lost a dear person because I was not an effective and consistent communicator over the course of several weeks. In addition and in retrospect, my lack of affirmative communication


actually sent a very powerful message to the other person in my relationship. In a nutshell and among other negative things, the messages I sent include the following:
1. You are not important;
2. You are not a priority;
3. You are of no concern or consequence;
4. Your feelings do not matter;
5. You are to be at my disposal;
6. You are to engage me at my will and pleasure; and
7. You are to be communicated with only when I want to communicate and when it is convenient for me.
Does this sound like a message you want to convey to a family member, friend, colleague or anyone for the matter? From my perspective, that answer is a resounding, “NO.” Nevertheless, as the sayings go, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” and as such, this law when coupled with the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” make perfect sense.

In my situation, I was totally oblivious to the fact that my actions of “focus, retreat and isolate,” had a very real and compelling negative impact on my young but very important relationship. In fact, the reaction to my resurfacing and attempting to communicate and reconnect was met with little to no enthusiasm (rightfully so) and the tables had actually turned (equal and opposite reaction). I could not get in, I could not find that conversation I had grown to expect and enjoy and the companionship I then longed for was all but gone. Are you wondering why? If you answered yes, then by all means read on.


My friend took the time to check on me and to make sure I was alright. She also made it very clear that she would waste no more of her life in idol chit-chat waiting for my next stressor to present itself. In my opinion, her actions were a sign of sheer intelligence, courage and self-preservation, despite how painful it may have been. Some readers may think or feel as if she were selfish and should have been there for me as I emerged from overcoming my obstacle(s). I may have felt that way initially as well, but in hindsight, I disagree. Every action, inaction or omission sends a message or a communication. I basically told her during my hiatus, that she was unimportant to me. No matter factually how untrue that message may have been, it was the message that was conveyed loud and clear – not from someone else, but directly from me via my action, inactions and omissions.

I lost a friend and companion because I did not take the time to make a five minute phone call once a day (despite how difficult I may have found it to be). I did not ask a person I cared about to join me for a bite to eat, despite the fact that we both needed to eat. This is unacceptable behavior. As a result, when I asked the question, “Where do we stand,” her response was justified although it caused me great anger, anguish and confusion. She responded, “I have nothing for you.”

The reason I am sharing this message is because each of us must take an inventory of the relationships that are important to our lives. Realize that just as life, the people and relationships that are important to us can be here today and gone tomorrow. Will you be left with fond memories or deep regret? Nurture your relationships because they are frail and easily broken. Unlike me, the relationship you could lose due to neglect and the lack of effective communications could be with your parents, children, siblings, spouse, etc. These relationships are far too important to neglect and possibly lose.


Take the steps necessary to learn how to be an effective communicator – especially in times when life throws you unexpected stressors. Build up your reservoir of empathy and compassion that can be tapped into via your unique tool of effective communication. Last, manage your life and your relationships so that you can live life happy, fulfilled and most importantly with no regrets. Call to action – Exercise everyday the power of effective communications. Be well.

Article By LeVoyd L. Carter
©LeVoyd L. Carter II 2007 – All Rights Reserved.
Acknowledgements: R. Benton and K.Walker thank you for your honest comments and contributions to this writing.
Image by LeVoyd L. Carter for Joseph Alexander Photography
©LeVoyd L. Carter II 2007 – All Rights Reserved.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well written article.

Anonymous said...

Very insightful! Although, I do have some questions for you.

What does one who possesses the bad habit of 'hibernation' do to help themselves along the path of healing? Also, do you believe these not so good characteristics are rooted in a tainted childhood and its painful memories?

I read your post a few months ago and felt sadden by the lost of friendship/ companionship. Interestingly enough, a few months later, I am her. I have placed myself in the same position where your friend was. I am angry, disappointed, astonish and a host of so many other emotions that go in both directions. I feel as if my companion left me standing at the alter. Waiting, when he said he would be there and wanted to be there and walk life with me as my life companion. We made plans for the present then almost in the blink of an eye it disappeared.

What words of wisdom can you offer a sister during my time of a heart in need of mending?

I have been thinking about what makes someone retreat from those one loves and loves them. I think retreating is one coping mechanisms used during such times of despair which may have worked as a child. We all have ran to our rooms and vowed never to come out again or packed our bags at 10 leaving home for good! Ironically, some techniques used during childhood are no longer productive in adulthood. Hence, hibernation, isolation and many of the signs you exhibited and emotions you lived through. I also believe, Hurts' are not exchangeable; it is not currency to be traded. Hurt-for-Hurt! I believe this currency is to be valued as an antique. With more years yields a higher value of return. Unfortunately, to be in a state of hurt is not one we choose as children but maybe as adults we do. Fortunately, we can learn from the cycle of pain and use our strengths as experiences that propel us to live a purposeful life of intent. When life has taught us what we do not want.

Based on your post you mentioned an emotional cleansing you undertook. A level of self-awareness/ reflection is necessary which you seem to be in tune with. I would venture to say you probably would not repeat history. 'You know better therefore, you will do better'. How would you feel if later in time you found yourself in the same situation? I am deeply interested in knowing your thoughts on the matter so I could pass this information along. I would like to see him truly happy with himself first then he can allow himself to receive the love of others. I do know there is not much I can do or try to 'heal' him. He has to do all the work.

Many thanks!

--- Keep up your writings, its extremely therapeutic for all involved!