Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable - Part II

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Question 2 to the Women: Is money and security the only thing women want from a man? If so, why not say so?

Fair Lady: No. I do not believe that money and security are the only thing women want from men. But, yes, I do want security and I say that with love, honor and respect that I trust my husband will embrace. The fact that he is “security” is a statement of his wonder, his greatness, his power and my confidence in him and His favor with our Creator. Security means being held tightly when you’re not holding up well, being loved deeply when you’re tormented by Life’s shallowness, being caressed when you’ve been emotionally kicked, taking off the 9-5 mask that smothers and breathing in the 24-7 “I’ve got you” transparency, building a home within the four walls of your house and knowing that you can make love and create life when the statistics and circumstances whisper your death. It is the security of who he is not that makes it revolutionary to surrender, holy to submit and a yearning fulfilled when I can yield. It’s knowing that he trusts me with his dreams, is confident of my character, finds me worthy of his vulnerabilities and powerful as his prayer partner. It’s security when we say, “Glad you’re home,” and mean it.

Lovely M: No. I want emotional support, quality time, a best friend and to be loved.

Bonita D: No. Like me, most women my age have their own money; but, I still desire a man and would never utter the words that I don’t need one. We do want to feel protected. Security is very important and we want to know that he can handle his business.

Tamika M: I can’t speak for all women, but money and security aren’t the only things that I look for in a man. Still, I’ll be damned if they’re not important. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and if I can make short term sacrifices for long term gains then I expect the same from my man. Besides, just over 100 years ago our ancestors were still slaves. They got beat or were killed for learning to read, write, count and etc. Meanwhile, the glorified priorities for our generation is running around using bad grammar to seem, cool, aspiring to be hip hop moguls, or athletes and glorifying name calling and smacking each other on the ass.

Donna: No. As a woman who is financially secure and comfortable with being along, a man in my life is there to compliment it, not pay for it. He will need to be financially secure himself as I do not lend money to men. As for security, a woman should always feel secure around her man and in being with her man. If she does not feel like he will do anything in his power to keep her safe than he may not be the man for her.

Kelly: No its not but it's important. The way a man budgets and takes care of his money shows how much he will take care of you. If a man is frivolous in his spending, he cannot effectively take care of his household. This is a let down for many women because we are left to be both the bread winner and the housekeeper. This is too much when the responsibilities of the household are suppose to be shared. Security is extremely important though. When a woman feels secure she knows that she will be taken care of and that she is not in the relationship alone. Security is not always tied to financial gain but it can also be connected to a man's ability to be on time or consistent with what he says he will do. This too is a source of security.

Question 2 to the Men: Why do men choose to abandon their children?

Keenan: I’ve come to believe that this belief is more propaganda than truth. I think many men end up looking like “absentee” fathers because of the women that are mothers to their kids. Quite frankly, many women (but not all) are just plain ole difficult to get along with without kids. So they are damn near impossible to deal with when kids come into the picture simply because they know they have the upper hand via the family court system. Now granted, there are lots of “deadbeat” dads in society (I know this 1st hand), and I’m not saying they shouldn’t be held accountable for raising the children to the best of their abilities – because they should. However, I don’t feel the majority of fathers are actually choosing to abandon their kids. Rather, they are being forced out of their kids life because the mother is using the child(ren) as leverage, as pawns, or as an 18-year-meal-ticket, or for whatever other reasons, to get back at (get over on) the father when things go wrong in the relationship, especially when it’s a man of financial means.

Anonymous Light: Again - no easy one-size fits all answer. Some men have poor values and priorities – period. Some women on the other hand push their children’s fathers out of the picture for emotionally immature and unfair reasons. There’s enough blame to share.

Christopher: Great question – I did not have my father in my life. My father told my Mother that he was not ready to have a baby with her but she insisted . . . Guys do tell women that they don’t want that responsibility . . . or there are signs to show her that this man is not ready for children . . . many women just refuse to listen to them . . . women are dreamers (hoping and wishing that when the baby arrives that he will change his mind). The end result: I was left fatherless.

Chris M: Those who choose to abandon their children are merely “adult males” and are not to be mistaken for “men” in any way shape or form.

Satchel: I can’t conceive of any legitimate reason why a man would abandon his own seed, but it happens more often than not. However, with that being said, many men have abandoned their children for a number of reasons, one of those being infidelity on the part of the woman, and another is to escape his own lack of responsibility in dealing with the mother legally, emotionally, socially, or mentally. Unfortunately, the child(ren)’s well-being and development is arrested in a sour relationship, thus bitterness keeps the child(ren) from receiving the best of the two parents, whether together or apart. The children become the victims of circumstance. The weapon of choice of either parent is malicious intent to do the other harm unfortunately. Lastly, many men ditch and dodge the mother of the children to avoid dealings with the legal system. We have not had a great deal of support on any level of the legal system. Therefore, some men choose to run and hide, rather than stay the course and fight for their right to be an active parent and enjoy the fruits of their offspring.


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COMING SOON:

Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable - Part III

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