Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable - Part II

Copyright 2006 © LeVoyd Carter. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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Question 2 to the Women: Is money and security the only thing women want from a man? If so, why not say so?

Fair Lady: No. I do not believe that money and security are the only thing women want from men. But, yes, I do want security and I say that with love, honor and respect that I trust my husband will embrace. The fact that he is “security” is a statement of his wonder, his greatness, his power and my confidence in him and His favor with our Creator. Security means being held tightly when you’re not holding up well, being loved deeply when you’re tormented by Life’s shallowness, being caressed when you’ve been emotionally kicked, taking off the 9-5 mask that smothers and breathing in the 24-7 “I’ve got you” transparency, building a home within the four walls of your house and knowing that you can make love and create life when the statistics and circumstances whisper your death. It is the security of who he is not that makes it revolutionary to surrender, holy to submit and a yearning fulfilled when I can yield. It’s knowing that he trusts me with his dreams, is confident of my character, finds me worthy of his vulnerabilities and powerful as his prayer partner. It’s security when we say, “Glad you’re home,” and mean it.

Lovely M: No. I want emotional support, quality time, a best friend and to be loved.

Bonita D: No. Like me, most women my age have their own money; but, I still desire a man and would never utter the words that I don’t need one. We do want to feel protected. Security is very important and we want to know that he can handle his business.

Tamika M: I can’t speak for all women, but money and security aren’t the only things that I look for in a man. Still, I’ll be damned if they’re not important. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and if I can make short term sacrifices for long term gains then I expect the same from my man. Besides, just over 100 years ago our ancestors were still slaves. They got beat or were killed for learning to read, write, count and etc. Meanwhile, the glorified priorities for our generation is running around using bad grammar to seem, cool, aspiring to be hip hop moguls, or athletes and glorifying name calling and smacking each other on the ass.

Donna: No. As a woman who is financially secure and comfortable with being along, a man in my life is there to compliment it, not pay for it. He will need to be financially secure himself as I do not lend money to men. As for security, a woman should always feel secure around her man and in being with her man. If she does not feel like he will do anything in his power to keep her safe than he may not be the man for her.

Kelly: No its not but it's important. The way a man budgets and takes care of his money shows how much he will take care of you. If a man is frivolous in his spending, he cannot effectively take care of his household. This is a let down for many women because we are left to be both the bread winner and the housekeeper. This is too much when the responsibilities of the household are suppose to be shared. Security is extremely important though. When a woman feels secure she knows that she will be taken care of and that she is not in the relationship alone. Security is not always tied to financial gain but it can also be connected to a man's ability to be on time or consistent with what he says he will do. This too is a source of security.

Question 2 to the Men: Why do men choose to abandon their children?

Keenan: I’ve come to believe that this belief is more propaganda than truth. I think many men end up looking like “absentee” fathers because of the women that are mothers to their kids. Quite frankly, many women (but not all) are just plain ole difficult to get along with without kids. So they are damn near impossible to deal with when kids come into the picture simply because they know they have the upper hand via the family court system. Now granted, there are lots of “deadbeat” dads in society (I know this 1st hand), and I’m not saying they shouldn’t be held accountable for raising the children to the best of their abilities – because they should. However, I don’t feel the majority of fathers are actually choosing to abandon their kids. Rather, they are being forced out of their kids life because the mother is using the child(ren) as leverage, as pawns, or as an 18-year-meal-ticket, or for whatever other reasons, to get back at (get over on) the father when things go wrong in the relationship, especially when it’s a man of financial means.

Anonymous Light: Again - no easy one-size fits all answer. Some men have poor values and priorities – period. Some women on the other hand push their children’s fathers out of the picture for emotionally immature and unfair reasons. There’s enough blame to share.

Christopher: Great question – I did not have my father in my life. My father told my Mother that he was not ready to have a baby with her but she insisted . . . Guys do tell women that they don’t want that responsibility . . . or there are signs to show her that this man is not ready for children . . . many women just refuse to listen to them . . . women are dreamers (hoping and wishing that when the baby arrives that he will change his mind). The end result: I was left fatherless.

Chris M: Those who choose to abandon their children are merely “adult males” and are not to be mistaken for “men” in any way shape or form.

Satchel: I can’t conceive of any legitimate reason why a man would abandon his own seed, but it happens more often than not. However, with that being said, many men have abandoned their children for a number of reasons, one of those being infidelity on the part of the woman, and another is to escape his own lack of responsibility in dealing with the mother legally, emotionally, socially, or mentally. Unfortunately, the child(ren)’s well-being and development is arrested in a sour relationship, thus bitterness keeps the child(ren) from receiving the best of the two parents, whether together or apart. The children become the victims of circumstance. The weapon of choice of either parent is malicious intent to do the other harm unfortunately. Lastly, many men ditch and dodge the mother of the children to avoid dealings with the legal system. We have not had a great deal of support on any level of the legal system. Therefore, some men choose to run and hide, rather than stay the course and fight for their right to be an active parent and enjoy the fruits of their offspring.


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COMING SOON:

Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable - Part III

Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable- Part I

Copyright 2006 © LeVoyd Carter. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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Summary: I recently participated in a Black Women's Health Summit created by Bonita Clemons, M.PH, in Columbia, South Carolina, where women were given the opportunity to ask black men of various ages and backgrounds questions about love, relationships, family and etc. No questions were off limits or out of bounds. I decided to continue this positive and eye opening discussion by creating a virtual roundtable to include you and a limitless number of virtual participants. I asked both black men and women to provide me with questions that they most want answered honestly by the opposite sex. As a result, the questions presented to the roundtable participants were necessarily different. I presented the questions for the most part as the questions were presented to me. The answers received have varied greatly and are truly the sum total of each person's life experience and observation. This roundtable will continue in various parts until the discussion, including additional questions and comments come to a natural conclusion. Thank you in advance for your participation and comments. Together, we can exercise our collective POWER to put the urban legends and myths about Black Love to rest and ultimately heal and restore the Black family. Thank you.

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Profiles of the Female Participants (Some have chosen not to include their real names):

Fair Lady – Age 37, Entrepreneur; Education Level – Masters; Single; Straight; Born in Kentucky; Resides in Atlanta, GA

Lovely M – Age 30, Reading Specialist, Education Level – Masters; Single; Straight; Born in Minot, ND; Resides in Atlanta, GA

Bonita D. – Age 41, College Professor; Education Level - Masters; Single; Straight; Born in Anderson, SC; Resides in Columbia, SC

Tamika M. – Age 30, Civil Servant; Education Level – Masters; Single; Straight; Born in Columbus, GA; Resides in Washington, D.C.

Donna - Age 36, Government; Education Level - Ph.D Candidate; Single; Straight; Born in New York; Resides in Atlanta, GA

Kelly - Age 25, Program Coordinator/Researcher; Education Level - Masters; Single; Straight; Born in Cali; Resides in Atlanta, GA


Profiles of the Male Participants (Some have chosen not to include their real names):

Keenan – Age 35, IT Specialist; Author; Education Level - BS – Business Management/Master IT; Single; Straight; Born in Macon, GA; Resides in Atlanta, GA

Anonymous Light - Married; Resides in Atlanta, GA

Christopher – Age 36, Professor; Education Level - Master Computer Science; Single/Divorced; Straight; Born in Washington, D.C.; Resides in Atlanta, GA

Chris M – Age 35, Counselor, Author, Entrepreneur; Education Level - BS; Single; Straight; Born in Brooklyn is the Planet; Currently Resides in Atlanta, GA

Satchel – Age 33, Engineer/Massage & Bodywork Therapist; Education Level - BS Industrial Engineering & Clinical ED. Massage Therapy; Married; Straight; Born in Atlanta, GA; Resides in Snellville, GA

Part I:

Question 1 to the Women: Why Do Women Cheat?

Fair Lady: I believe for personal validation. It’s an act to “prove” to oneself or the other person that you really are worthy of love, affection etc. . .

Lovely M: Women love. Our love is so powerful that we are able to continuously forgive. However, we are unable to forget. Women cheat when they find themselves emotionally disconnected from the other person. Cheating often stems from infidelity, continuous disrespect, neglect or simply being taken for granted. Women cheat when they have completely exhausted all possibilities of caring if the relationship works. It is unfortunate that many women stay in a [relationship] because they feel a man validates them so they cheat until they secure a new [love interests]. This comes from fear of not wanting to be alone since we have all heard stories of how all of the good men are taken.

Bonita D: Women sometimes like men for the wrong reason. Sometimes they want to Love them for the right reason. When a woman is totally into her man, cheating is the last thing on her mind. When a woman is cherished and challenged, she won’t cheat - but if she is missing one of the two she may. We are good for having a good man and cheating on him and we also are good for wanting the man that doesn’t treat us the best – he is a challenge and we need that.

Tamika M: Women cheat because they feel cheated.

Donna: Women cheat because their partner is cheating on them. They are insecure in their relationship.

Kelly: I believe there are many reasons that women cheat (1) lack of self-worth and not loving yourself, (2) not feeling loved or validated, (3)lack of a father figure to show you what real love is and how a man should treat you, (4) and for some they just cheat because they're looking for sex with no strings. These circumstances place many women in a role of not caring about themselves and as such don't care how someone else treats them even when it comes to being disrespected.

Question 1 to the Men: Why do men cheat and are all men naturally unfaithful?

Keenan: There are many reasons why a man would cheat, probably as many reasons as there are men in the world. Yet, while I think the “reasons” are many, I also feel the CAUSE is few. Actually, I believe it boils down to one raison ď etre: Lack of SELF-CONTROL. At the root of all infidelity, “lack of self-control” is the underlying impetus that runs through the veins of all men that cheat. And no, I don’t feel men are any more naturally unfaithful than women are naturally faithful because marital studies reveal that infidelity occurs just about equally between husbands and wives: 46% and 40%, respectively.

Anonymous Light: Men cheat for a number of complicated reasons – just as women cheat for a number of complicated reasons. Neither sex is naturally unfaithful . . . although the social costs for men “cheating” is much less than those for women. This is one of the reasons that 33% of children submitted for DNA testing turn out to NOT be the child of the alleged father – even when children from married couples are tested.

Christopher: Why do men cheat . . . . . . . it is very difficult for me to answer this questions because I myself DO NOT CHEAT!!! I guess it is due to my high school learning lesson on cheating: I cheated in my younger days of high school and in return the next girlfriend I had cheated on me. Call it Karma. “What goes around comes right back around” and it hurts, badly, so badly, that I vowed to never cheat again. I also don’t cheat due to disease out in the world – HIV and other STDs. I have never had any STDs and don’t want any. So, I remain faithful and committed to ONE woman. Out of all my 20 years of dating I have never cheated neither have the women that I have dated (at least not that I am aware of . . .) I am pretty confident that they didn’t. My past break up(s) were due to religious/financial differences. Most guys that I talk to though, say that the reason they cheat is because they are missing something in the relationship. There is a void!!!! I ask why not communicate that “VOID” to your woman? Why not give her an opportunity to fill the void? If she chooses not to make the change or at least compromise, then its time to move on and leave her where she is. [This is not the time or a justification for men to cheat.] She is who she is and if she takes no action after you have communicated your desires, move forward. Most men get what they need and are fulfilled in a relationship and STILL CHEAT. Why? Because [their position is] why should I communicate to her and mess up a great thing and do you know the ratio of men to women here in Atlanta [insert your city] are so high – she is just going to have to share me. Some men are just plain greedy!!! That greed will catch up with them soon!

Chris M: Some do because they want to. Some because they are pushed to. Some because they can. I don’t have a clue why the men who cheat do. I don’t. I’d rather break up with a woman than cheat on her. I’m pretty serious about my Karma. But having never been married I can’t really comment on that aspect of it since one cannot just up and leave as they see fit [in a marriage].

Satchel: In my humble opinion, I believe that some men cheat to satisfy their unmet needs, wants, or desires, which often stem from a lack of willfulness of either partner to lovingly communicate with each other their respective motivating forces in the relationship. Further explained, sex alone as a sole qualifier for infidelity or unfaithfulness, in and of itself, is not the ultimate reason that a man chooses to step outside his relationship. Rather, it is the unmitigated validation and unconditional acceptance the man seeks from his woman with respect to his spiritual, mental, physical, and social role within the relationship that drives him to be completely faithful, or unfaithful in the union. In answering the second part of this question, I believe that all men have the propensity to desire a sexual relationship with another woman, if that alone constitutes unfaithfulness, even if the thought is not physically acted upon. In my opinion, we men seek specific qualities in a woman that drives our innermost desires. 1) The woman’s potential to bring out our best and most successful qualities; 2) The woman’s ability to deal with difficult matters with sound reasoning and a level head; 3) The woman’s level of education, whether it be formal and/or through exposure to the greater world community, and lastly; 4) The woman’s physical attractiveness, and her ability to use this gift to arouse or channel the man’s sexual energies to produce effectively(i.e. spiritual leadership, child-rearing, job performance, business pursuits, etc. There can be a multitude of other factors that can draws a man’s attention to another woman easily, if his significant other does not possess, or chooses not to display in the relationship.


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COMING SOON:Part II:
Love & Relationships in the Black Community: A Roundtable - PartII